I need Jesus. I am broken.
If you have known me long enough (or maybe not long at all), you will soon realize that I have a lot of insecurities. I could probably venture out and say that the top two things I struggle with most... and have my entire life... are low self-worth/self-image and fear of man/people-pleasing.
These seem to be amplified now that I am pregnant. This was very evident to me last weekend. I'll tell you how in a little bit. I am not sure how to write this elegantly so I will just start with a list. This may be more of a confession blog than anything else. Maybe writing it down will help me with the surrender process.
- I am constantly comparing myself to other pregnant girls I know/see. I keep telling myself that everyone is built different and has a different pregnancy experience... but it is hard not to focus on my growing thighs... or my growing derriere... or... compared to others.
- I have spent most of my adult life sucking in my stomach. Do you know how tiring that is when you are 6 months pregnant?? I have no abs!! How in the world can I suck in a little one growing in my tummy??
- I in no way want to miss out on the last 3 months of pregnancy and hurry God's handiwork with my precious baby girl... but I am already stressed about losing all of my pregnancy weight. I look in my closet at all of the clothes I can't wear and it overwhelms me.
- My maternity clothes are starting to not fit right... I am rarely comfortable in what I'm wearing... well except for when I'm in pj bottoms and a tshirt. Can I just live in that?!
- I don't like to get my picture taken right now. I am embarrassed at what I see. This makes it a struggle to have any belly pictures taken. Sorry about that.
- I can't do my hair or makeup like I used to. What happened? Did I just forget how to?? I feel like a totally different person right now. This is very frustrating!!
- Food is my crutch. When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat. When I eat, I stress. When I eat, i get sad. Hmmm... I see a vicious cycle here. Just today I had a breakdown about my work situation and how badly I want to be done there... and so what do I do but go eat some cookies! I don't know why its not easy to fill my body with healthy food right now! Sure... genetics have a lot to do with how my body carries a baby but I know I am not helping.
- It is very difficult for me to make decisions without worrying about what other people think. Just this past weekend, hubs and I were at BRU starting the registry process. That alone can be a little stressful because there are so many choices. So many mothers have different opinions on them all. With the help of my sis, hubs and I came up with a list of what we should register for. I got so overwhelmed because I was not first going with what I liked... I was too worried about what others would say or if others would approve.
I don't write any of this for any other reason than to say I'm broken and in need of Him. These aren't new struggles...just seems heightened right now.
But then as I am ending this blog, my little Peyton decides to do a little dance in my tummy if only to remind me that God is perfecting His masterpiece in the form of a baby girl in my belly... and that God doesn't just consider her His masterpiece. I am His masterpiece too.
